we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
