well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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