New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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