why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
