I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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