This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
