I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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