I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
