took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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