Swine flu. Run for my life!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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