my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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