If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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