if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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