If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
