and next time when you feel me up, do it right
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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