Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
