i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
