Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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