Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
