My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
