Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
