Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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