It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
