Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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