I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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