My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
