actually, I'm a sock model
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
