Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Buhtt sex?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
