I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
