guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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