it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
