Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
