Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
