I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
