I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
did i just pee glitter
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
