All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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