The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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