I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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