maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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