your parents love me but you hate me
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You dont lie about slip and slides
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
