help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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