I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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