So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This baby is an asshole
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
