The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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