Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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