Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
