i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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