I accidentally had phone sex last night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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