I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
