I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
